High Anxiety

I'll try and keep this one brief, as it's particularly Slade-focused.  That said: the word for today is "liminal."  It derives from the Latin "limen," meaning "a threshold."  Anthropologically, it seems to get bandied about to describe moments in which an individual moves from one state of being (be it a state of consciousness, social standing, etc.) to another.  Typically, it seems like the move is a forward one, although I'm not totally sure about that.

I mention this because I'm trying to reach a new point in my life and have started to ponder the extent to which I'm in control of this (or any) situation.  I'm kept up at night by the thought of moments in my life where I was presented with dual paths.  So far, I've been satisfied with how things have turned out and I've seen my history as, by and large, a flow of one necessary event after the other.  If there have been things that I've regretted, I've been consoled by the fact that they seemed to lay the foundation for certain profoundly good things that followed.

But today I'm freaked out.  There's something looming on my horizon that I want so badly.  There's a door I'm desperate to step through.  And, beating its way around my head is the thought that the only thing I have as I approach this moment is the contents of my heart and mind, which seem like pretty thin material.

Today I'm at the mercy of desire and doubt - two emotions that experienced alone are enough to drive me crazy, but in tandem are threatening to eat me alive.

So I'll let you know how it shakes out.